Jaceyl or Love

I don’t think I could ever love someone (romantic love) that didn’t love me or respect me back. No, matter of fact I couldn’t love someone who didn’t love or respect me back. My love is selfish. I am in control of who gets my love and for me who gets my love depends on how they feel about me. Those who I know and have been in love before tell me I am talking like this only because I have never been in love. They tell me once I fall in love these “theories” I have on love will go out the window and I will be overpowered in a sense by a strong feeling I can’t really control.

Don’t get me wrong I am a very romantic person. I am moved by love stories and love songs (especially the tragic ones for some reason). Heck the first two stories I have embarked on writing are love stories. And I admit I have never been in love. Like the Somali singer Kinsi (may Allah SWT rest her soul) once sang , caashaqa ma baran wali mana biinaayeee (I have not experienced love nor am I denying its existence).

While I say the above I do know myself. And I just couldn’t love someone that didn’t love or respect me back. I do understand feelings have a life of their own and I do realize we can fancy someone that doesn’t fancy us back, but for me once I find out the other person doesn’t feel the same about me all those loving feelings I may have had go out the door. And they go instantly.

I may have never been in love, but I have had serious (secret) crushes. Serious in that the person would be in my thoughts constantly. Secret in that I never told the person(s). My feelings I realized tend to intensify when there is a mystery about the other person and I don’t exactly know how they feel about me. This mystery let’s my mind wonder and my attraction deepens.

When that person exhibits characteristics I admire and I see that from them, my feelings grow even deeper. It’s the opposite when the person exhibits characteristics I dislike and my feelings will diminish. And when that mystery is gone and I find out they are not thinking about me like I am thinking about them it doesn’t matter how bad I was crushing, I lose interest immediately. I have seen this happen with each crush I have ever had. Over and over again this happens to me.

I know crushes are not the same thing as love, but to get to that level of love this road must first be crossed. And I just couldn’t begin to love or even be attracted in a serious way to someone that didn’t feel the same about me.

It amazes me when I see a person running after another person because they are “in love”, but that person they are chasing doesn’t even respect them let alone love them. Why degrade yourself for another human being? “But I can’t help how I feel”. Oh yes you can, I say!

The poet Hafiz sums up perfectly how I view the subject in these few lines below:

“Your love Should never be offered to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.”

Indeed my love is selfish and in my possession.


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